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Donald Trump created a government slush fund for payouts to people like convicted January 6 rioters, the president decided not to resume attacking Iran, and construction is underway at the new White House ballroom.

Trump began his day with a preview of his big, beautiful billion dollar ballroom, it was another awko taco Tuesday in the Middle East as Trump backed off his deadline at the last minute again, a strong majority of Americans are against the war according to every poll, Trump has now made what might be the most brazenly corrupt move ever by a President of the United States, Trump’s former personal attorney and current Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche was grilled today about it by the Senate Appropriations Committee, Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding that was scheduled to be at the White House has had a change of venue, over the first quarter of the year Trump has benefited from thousands of personal stock trades for as much as $750 million, and Elon Musk is attacking Christopher Nolan for his casting of the movie The Odyssey.

President Trump says his plan to defeat Iran is very simple, the president seemingly failed to wish the First Lady a happy Mother’s Day, Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy has returned to his reality television roots, and the government released files related to UFO sightings.

King Charles and Queen Camilla are here to visit Trump, yesterday the royals joined the Trumps for afternoon tea and King Charles delivered a speech before a joint session of Congress, former FBI Director Jim Comey is being charged with threatening the President’s life for a photo of seashells spelling out 86 47, Rudy Giuliani weighed in on the ongoing drama involving Jimmy, Team Trump has been using the attack at The White House Correspondents’ Dinner to get out of paying for the ballroom that he originally said would be paid for by private donors, Lindsey Graham is in charge of ballroom duty and fellow Republicans are split on it, FBI Director Kash Patel has been weathering a storm of stories about drinking on the job, we are now on week nine of the Iran War and Trump is said to be dissatisfied with the latest proposal from Iran to open the Strait of Hormuz, and our in-house film critic Yehya reviews the new Michael Jackson movie.

President Trump lashed out after Iran boasted that America is “the losing side” in the war, the war is causing price hikes in everyday goods like condoms, Finnish pilots are so immature, and FBI Director Kash Patel denies drinking on the job.

Republicans in the House today were supposed to vote on a bill that would narrow protections for endangered species on EARTH DAY, our future former Director of the FBI Kash Patel is getting hammered over a report that says he’s been getting hammered, he decided the best way to address the rumors of his erratic behavior is to hold an even more erratic press conference, RFK Jr. exhibited some very heavy breathing while testifying today before two Senate committees, Trump said that there is no time frame for the deal with Iran, the New York Mets are on their longest losing streak in more than 40 years and many in the right-wing media are blaming Mayor Mamdani, and Mike Lindell is running for Governor of Minnesota and even endorsed himself!

The NFL Draft is tonight, the Trump administration is reportedly hashing out a deal that would give the U.S. Government up to a 90% stake in Spirit Airlines, Ghislaine Maxwell sent a mysterious USB to the Department of Justice a week after that surprise press conference by Melania Trump, Melania made an appearance at the First Lady’s Luncheon today, Trump is planning to go The White House Correspondents’ Dinner for the first time as President, Oz Pearlman the Mentalist is set to be the host, and since there is no comedian this year Jimmy steps in to tell all of the jokes Trump is too scared to hear.

Our long and less than necessary international nightmare has been postponed for at least two weeks after what Trump claims was a ceasefire agreement with Iran, he says that Iran agreed to open the strait even though we’ve seen no evidence of that, Hannity said that the ceasefire is going great if you ignore all the fire that won’t cease, Trump is thinking of the Strait of Hormuz as a joint venture and a way to make some money, JD Vance is now in charge of the ceasefire negotiations, a lot of Trump’s admirers in the media have been trying to assess where we stand, Pope Leo spent some time with the Harlem Globetrotters, the Republican-Led Texas Board of Education wants to add The Bible to the required reading list at public schools, former Attorney General Pam Bondi was supposed to testify in front of the House Oversight Committee next week but now they’re saying she isn’t obligated to appear because she “no longer holds that office,” and when Trump said “big money will be made” on oil, he meant it!

President Trump boasted about how much he likes the name “Operation Epic Fury,” Iran is following through on threats to attack ships in the Strait of Hormuz, Pete Hegseth can’t stand the sight of his own face, and Stephen has updates on some real-deal Sasquatch sightings.

Guillermo will be on the Oscars red carpet this Sunday, $250,000 worth of sex toys were loaded on a freight train and then vanished, the Department of Homeland Security has been partially shut down for almost a month now, gas prices have gone up every day for the past eleven days but President Ex-Con Mobil says we have nothing to worry about, the guy who campaigned on the promise he would get gas prices down is now trying to convince us that higher prices are better, a new survey says Americans are cutting back on meals and utilities due to high healthcare costs, Trump is busy dancing with Jake Paul, yesterday our FIFA Peace Prize-Winning POTUS said that the Iran soccer team is welcome to come to the United States for the World Cup this summer, Trump is going after members of his own party, we boil down his Kentucky rally in an all-new edition of Real Moments in Presidementia, Trump dragged Melania to an event at the White House for Women’s History Month, our Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is doubling down on his crusade against the free press, and our announcer Lou Wilson went out on Hollywood Blvd to show everyone the neighborhood we love so much.

Jimmy reacts to Donald Trump’s State of the Union address, the speech went on for a very long time, Trump’s popularity is at its lowest point of his second term, all of the sitting and standing got VP JD Vance all sexed up, the U.S. Men’s Hockey Team was in attendance after visiting the White House, the U.S. Women’s Hockey Team got a better offer from none other than Flavor Flav, people were betting on what Trump might say tonight, and we get the official Democratic rebuttal to Trump’s speech from none other than California Governor Gavin Newsom (Josh Meyers).

Stephen Colbert goes on the record about his interview with Texas State Rep. James Talarico, the FCC’s “equal time” rule, and today’s statement from CBS.